You may worry that if you pick a career that your family doesn’t approve of or understand it will hurt your relationship with them. It doesn’t have to. Here’s how to manage when you’re family doesn’t support your career…
When you decide to do work that’s meaningful to you, not everyone in your life will be supportive. Not everyone will understand. Let’s explore why, and then what you can do about it.
Why Your Family Doesn’t Support Your New Career
1. Their worldview about work and careers
It’s not personal. In their mind, what you want to do is impractical or even IMPOSSIBLE.
When it’s your parents, it could be that for their generation that option did NOT exist, it WAS impossible, and they haven’t caught up to what’s available now. It could be that they’ve never seen an example of anyone doing this so they don’t have a model for success. If they see you about to go do something that they don’t think is humanly possible, of course, they’re going to worry.
2. A values clash around work
A family is a micro-culture, and every micro-culture has its values and assumptions. Those might be around prestige, selflessness, or tradition, and they contribute to a feeling of identity.
I’ve had people tell me, “In my family, we go into education” and “If you don’t drive a truck in my family, they think you’re saying you’re better than them.”
If your choice challenges the micro-culture of the family, it can be threatening or at least disorienting to the other family members because “that’s not how we do that” and “that’s not who we are” in our culture.
3. They’re worried about how it will reflect on them
This is a sign of lack of self-differentiation. The fear is: “If you do this, it says this about me.” This can be an immature and insecure position to come from. I think this is primate brain kicking in trying to preserve social standing within their group. And your choice, at least in their mind, is going to threaten their position within their group.
4. They’re worried how it will impact them
This is most true of partners. You’ve introduced a new element into their world, and now they’re anxious about how will it will affect their finances and schedule, how available you are, and the kind of life you can share and build with them.
RELATED: How to Prepare Your Partner For Your Career Change
These are the most common reasons loved ones don’t understand. I hope that gives you some context and maybe even compassion for them. Now let’s talk about what YOU can do about it. Because even if you’re misunderstood by the people you love, I want you to have the courage to do what’s right for you.
How to Cope When Your Family Doesn’t Support Your Career Choice
1. Mourn
It sucks not to be supported by your loved ones. It helps to let yourself feel how you feel.
Journal, talk with a trusted friend. Express those feelings somewhere outside of your head so they don’t stay bottled up inside.
2. Accept that you’re not going to change them and that you can only change your own views and actions
Eventually, they might change their mind. They might change their mind when you go do this thing and now their worldview has expanded because you’ve modeled what’s possible. They might change their mind if they get more acceptance and social status as a result of their choices. But they might not. So I don’t even like to encourage, “I’ll show you!” as a motivating force, because you can show them and they still won’t change. Acceptance is your path to peace around this.
3. After acceptance comes forgiveness & connection
Forgive the people who don’t understand, and find bonds and connections in the ways you can relate to them.
I’m hoping that forgiveness will come more easily now that you have a better understanding of why your family doesn’t understand.
Now you find your common ground. What DO you have in common? There’s plenty to talk about and plenty of ways to spend time together that have nothing to do with work. Enjoy what’s new on Netflix, sports, whatever holidays you celebrate in your micro-culture, laughing about memories you’ve already created together, and doing new activities to create new memories.
You can still have a great relationship with your parents, siblings, and friends don’t get what you do for work if you’re both willing to connect over other things.
4. Find new people
Find genuine belonging and community with people who DO understand your work worldview and goals.
You need this even if your family is 100% on board with your new career!
You need to be understood and to have a capable, qualified sounding board. If they don’t have the context to understand the complexity of the situation, the nuances, the cause-and-effect nature of things, and a lived experience with it, there’s only so much help they can be. There’s only so much that they can relate to, and there’s only so much that they can celebrate your wins with you.
My family is supportive but I don’t ask them for business advice, because they have no idea! I will tell them when I have a business win, but they also don’t get it like my business colleagues do, and I don’t expect them to.
REMEMBER: Your family may not support or understand your career change. You can still connect with them in other ways. Find a new, supportive community that will understand your goals and values.
